Yin and yan

I need to talk about severity of things. I'm loosing myself out there in the world.
I need peace. I am addicted to peace.

People are stupid. They fight wars among themselves and find the worst in everyone. I need to help them. I need it. That's my fuel. Maybe that's the selfish aspect of it but atleast their smiling faces, when they realise that someone out there understands them, must be worth something. Actually, more than something. I want to see the good in them even if they are lying. Lying is just a sophisticated cry for help. Nobody just knows it yet.

Where am I? The building that I live in is far too fancy to call it home. Just like others, I tend to find home in people. The sad part is, when I do find someone worth enough to call home, I destroy them with me still inside. Maybe, I was always meant to be the end of paradise. I wonder if someone finds a home in me.

I'm empathize with brokenness. I guess, that's why I try to fix it every now and then. I find beauty in everyone, in everyway. Nudity is art to me but true nakedness lies in the soul which is no less than a godly deity. Colours are screaming everywhere from the hearts of people I don't  know yet and I want to let them know it's okay. It's  okay because I'm here for them even if they lie. I want to help them find the truth. I want them to be happy.

Just let them know, I'm here for them.

I see light and joy everywhere. I love that. But I'm aware of the darkness lurking underneath. People warn me but it doesn't scare me, not anymore, for the darkness and I have been friends since long. I've realized there is no meaning to light without darkness. I want to know and love people in the dark as I love darkness itself. I want them to love themselves in the dark so they know it's nothing but the nessecary other half of light.
Yin and yan. Because, Light and Dark combined, everything is so beautiful.

I'm there for you

I don’t know what inspired me to write this, but I think everyone needs to read this or know this at least once in their life.

I know what depression feels like, okay? I know what heartbreak is, too. You must be thinking what a 17 year old girl must know about pain, right? You’re wrong.

The age or the act doesn’t justify the pain you feel. It comes in pieces and all at once, more with each time. Maybe I haven’t been exactly where you are but trust me I know the hell the world offers. First thing you should know is that you should never ever judge or criticize someone else's pain. When a person is sad, you don’t have that right to say otherwise. Apart from that, I’ve also known happiness, pure bliss, in little things such as my mother’s smile or big things like seeing my baby brother for the first time. 

Try to be happy in little things if miracles are not around. My love, you can’t find happiness if you stop looking.

I’ve been where you are right now or, for some of you, where will you be. I know that the world can be a cruel place, I know it’s not always a cakewalk and I also that know sometime it hurts so much that you want curl up in a ball, cry and never leave your house again or hurt yourself along the way so somehow the pain on the outside puts an end to the pain on the inside. 

Somedays you want to die and somedays not so much, remember and hold on to the latter one, okay? 
I know how you feel and somehow if you think I don't, then tell me, I'm here.

Listen to me (or read, whatever), okay? Every person hurts on the inside somehow and everyone reacts to it differently. You have to know that so you remember not to be harsh even if everyone else is. Everyone deserves love, everyone, okay? Even you. You are made to be loved and caressed and spoiled by someone, anyone. If not that, you can be that someone for yourself. I used to think love isn’t everything but over time and time I’ve been proven wrong and I've realized that love is the only thing that matters, only thing we hold on to. It might be in different forms sometimes but we still cling to it like koalas to trees, we're just less discreet about it. If you can’t find love in others, find it in yourself, because without that we, the humans, are nothing, do you understand me?

Love yourself for taking care of you,
love yourself for taking care of others,
love people so they can find love in you and in themselves,
love people so they can hold onto you,
love them so someday maybe you could hold on to them.

Love is phenomenal and everywhere. You can love little things and make them big, love your job, your ambition and your passion, your smile when you are truly happy, love yourself in that new outfit you bought yourself, love yourself for secretly eating a pizza when you're trying to lose weight, love yourself for loving your pets, love every little thing that somehow affect you. Let go off the past if it comes with regret or in the way of you loving something or someone or yourself, hold on to your past if it makes you smile and makes you fall in love with yourself for surviving even after all that you’ve been through. 

Be kind.

Let people know that you are growing and falling in love with everything around you slowly, more today than you ever were yesterday. Please forgive yourself enough to feel again even if you start crying because, my love, something cannot end without a start and when tears run out, smiles will blossom. 

Be beautiful; find that within you because I know you are a priceless art. You are a cocoon that’s evolving to be a butterfly someday, if you aren’t already. You're all beautiful because all butterflies are, no matter what type.

And please my love, do not ever give up. Ever.

You will find hope and love and beauty because it is in you. If you can’t, let me help you find it. Let me be a friend that already knows you are perfection in making, even if you can’t see it. If you can’t find it, let me the help, the cocoon that helps others.

Talk to me, I mean it. 

New phase of nostalgia

Let's go to something basic. Love. Actually, post-love.

You told me once about how you liked me before, when I didn't cry all the time. You said that I fussed over things so I stopped, kept to myself. Then you told me that I don't share what's bothering me. Should I hold it in or should I let it out?

You told me that I couldn't handle the disaster brewing between us, but then why were you the one to let go first and run away? You scared piece of shit. Maybe that was the time when you fell in my eyes for the first time. All those excuses and the lies to make yourself feel like a better person. News flash, you're not better than any of them. 

You told me you wanted to be my friend. So I saw you as nothing else, nothing. Then you go around and talk to me, about me, about how you've entrapped the idea of me in the narrow hell you've made for yourself where I am nothing but the satan. You talk about me like I'm a monster you escaped from. Maybe I should have been. Maybe I shouldn't have given it my all.

Our friends tell us how we're made for each other. I used to believe it at first, thought you did too. Now it just seems stupid. You're too calm to handle a storm and you can't name me anything but a hurricane. Everything that happened seems too fake and too hazy and too short and too distant that I'm overwhelmed with feelings, the feelings of a homeless. And you remind me of my old apartment building with ebbed and flowed memoirs like a photo stuck between the dusty old sheets, you were the type of home that could even scatter apart from the tremors of dancing feet upstairs. I should have know you couldn't survive an earthquake. 


Who'd have thought? I could get nostalgic for disasters.
Who'd have known? Nostalgia could turn into hatred.


Maybe, I shouldn't have protected you from my monster. I should have let it have you till you drained.

Maybe. 

If you come back, maybe I'll run back to you. 

If you come back, maybe I'll stab you and watch you bleed life as the light ones out from your eyes. 

BRiNK

I’m not crazy.

I’m not . Everyone else is .

You see ghosts, I see people, we’re both scared.  What’s the difference anyway? Only in movies they make ghosts look scarier which is contrary to what lies in reality. Be scared of people, at least the dead don’t break your soul.

I’m not hallucinating, but the voices keep following me. Everywhere, everywhere I go dammit. They tell me the things that I already know, the things I've concluded from the things I'm been through, things that almost killed me. Why won't they stop? They come in shapes of broken people and damaged children. The rich and the poor don't differentiate, they're both fucking sad and broken; voices scream about them and this wrecked world. Oh god make it stop. 

I'm a prisoner. A fucking prisoner. My hands are bound, so is my will and everything that I am. This freedom that you think you have is just an illusion. We're all the dolls in a big doll house, more like rats in a maze. A fucking experiment that's not even scientific, we're animals. Atleast animals have us to love them, we don't even have ourselves. 

Trapped. 
Trapped. 

The walls are closing in day by day as I notice all the clues to labyrinth of a jail, they're closing in, more more... 
No, I can't. 
If I'm not insane yet, I will be.

Insanity is a boon in this bottomless pit of wretchedness. 

"Something out of everything that is wrong" -

Lets talk about reality for a second. It comes down to the missing and ignorance of the things we like to pretend are important to us  

Its about mother who stays oblivious to the cries of her children,
Why? Because she's too busy praying for them to be happy. Well nobody told her that god won't help the greedy, the lazy ones. You can't be rich overnight. You have to work for it. 

Its about the poet who cries in sadness of her ink but refuses the see the stars that blossom overnight, a striking reminder of hope that thrives against the darkness of this realm. 
You can't be sad without being happy. Sadness is the definition of missing happiness. You don't have the right to be sad if you weren't happy once.

It's about the guy that gulps up hours of life in a bar with uncanny amount of alchohol, ranting about what he lost, disrupting the way of life the others live around him but also flowing with it because people can relate to it. It's not uncommon but you wish he wasn't too blunt. He makes you remember the sins of society that you also took part in. 

It's about the guy that is too kind for his own good. The nicest of people are looked down upon in this barbaric world. Society tends to find flaults in the flawless. It makes you sad, makes you think, 'what's the point of being good anymore?' Honestly?  I don't think anybody can answer that.

It's about the people who meet you in streets and some schools and some houses, with a heart so pure that it will melt yours. You smile, thinking, there might be hope after all. But then you see them after months, years perhaps. They've changed. The light's gone. Their eyes don't sparkle like stars anymore, they won't look at you or at other people like it's a whole new world. They won't cry on little things like they used to. And the reality of it strikes home and you know that you've been there too a few times. That's society. It fucks us all up.

Sun - burn.

Sometimes you think you're too crazy, too loud, just too much for someone. 

You think you burn too bright sometimes, don't you? 

And then you throw some ice on your fire, shimmer yourself down, try not to talk too much, try to be invisible by blending in, because the society wants you too. You think you have to? 

No. 

You're a sun, a phenomenal star. You might burn too bright but you're so good. You bring light and joy. Even though most people seek shade, someday, someone will come along with a smile and a pair of sunglasses, ready to face the light. They won't run away, I swear, they'll work up the sweat and heat, the rough patches that you thought noone could cross. They won't burn up like others, no, won't try to cool you down, instead they will take pride in the tan you've given them, the tan they earned. They won't ever be afraid of you, you'll be their equal, the other half.

Someday, just someday,

Someone will take you in and look at your eyes and say, " God, I'm so lucky to have you."

Humans and animals.

I fall in love with animals at the first sight.

Puppies, kittens, monkeys, raccoons. Anyone. 

They are so genuine. So true to what they are. They look at you with those big round eyes, at first with fright, then after a while trust, then loyalty and love. 

It's heart warming in so many ways. They don't break you after you love them. They won't cheat if you leave them alone for sometime. They wait for you. Always. Until they die. 

Unlike humans. 

Humans are so complex. They cheat, they break others and themselves, they hurt. It's so hard to love them. So fucking hard. So much that it hurts. 

But then you know them -

-In a world of insecurities, they still thrive. Broken, yet surviving. Some are liars. Some are thieves, even murderers. Some are good and some are way beyond bad. But once you know one of them, understand them completely, you can't help it, can you?

You can't help but love the ones you've understood, you can't stop yourself from falling for their deceptions, their mirages, their sins and everything because you know the good in them that thrives against all the darkness the world has to offer. You even kill for them, break yourselves for them for the slightest possibility of saving them and having them by your side.

You can't help but love them,

Even if it breaks you. 

It's sad but at the same time, isn't it beautiful, more than anything?